Shut Me Out
by zashaxander
Summary: A little Christmas one shot partly based on an idea from stuunalee and partly based on Christmassy type things...


I know I have about ten fics that need updating, but this is just a little Christmas thing to get me started on that writing for you. Merry Christmas and loads of love to you all!

* * *

Kate knew something was wrong. She'd known the moment she opened the door. She was used to listening to her gut, and right now her gut was telling her that she really needed to fix this or the whole evening would be a train wreck. Biting her lip, she let her eyes follow Arizona into the kitchen where the abnormally sombre looking blonde was pouring herself a generous glass of Merlot.

"What's…" she began, but her question trailed off into the tense atmosphere when she was met with Arizona's miserable gaze. She wondered what she could have done. And she must have done something.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Arizona whispered eventually. Kate felt her whole body go cold. She couldn't possibly have found out…

"Tell you what?" Feigning innocence seemed like the only option at this point. Kate felt like one of the suspects she was learning how to interview.

"About your mom," Arizona replied. Kate felt the whole world go dark; it seemed as though everything good, everything happy she'd been trying to fill her life with, had been instantly absorbed into the void of sadness that was always so dangerously close.

"I…" she tried to speak but there were no words, there was no explanation.

"Don't you trust me?" Arizona asked.

It was an easy question. There was only one right answer. But as her (ex)girlfriend put down her glass and walked slowly out of the apartment with tears in her eyes, Kate just couldn't bring herself to say it. Because it would have been a lie.

* * *

The dark office loomed over her, empty desks and deserted chairs making her feel even more alone among the shadows. The Christmas Eve graveyard shift was something Detective Kate Beckett was all too used to, but it never got any more enjoyable. Gritting her teeth, she turned on her desk lamp, put down her coffee mug (filled with delicious gormet coffee expertly made, as she had been expertly taught, on the new machine in the break room), and began to fill out the first form in the pile she'd collected for herself. She felt her cell phone buzz in her pocket and wondered who it could be. Everyone she knew was with the people they loved, their families, or out celebrating with their friends.

She took out the phone and after her initial surprise at the caller ID, answered it.

"Beckett."

"I know. What are you doing?"

"Working. What are you doing?"

"Getting ripped off, it seems. I'm supposed to be shadowing you. Doesn't that mean that when you work, I work?"

"Castle, it's Christmas Eve. And I'm doing paperwork. Why would you want to be here?"

"I don't, particularly… But I'm bored. I'm coming over."

"Castle-"

"Didn't the Captain say you had to let me follow you when I wanted?"

"Yes, but there'll be nothing for you to do."

"I can watch you."

"You worry me sometimes. Most of the time."

She could feel him grinning on the other end of the line. "You like it. I'm getting in a cab, I'll see you in ten."

Kate sighed and ended the call. There was nothing she could do to stop him. And just the thought of seeing him meant the smile that had spread across her face when he'd been talking to her remained there right up until the elevator doors pinged and she forced her face into a different expression so he didn't get the wrong idea.

* * *

"So, Beckett, what are your plans for Christmas Eve this year? Is Demming taking you somewhere nice?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "You don't have to look like you might be sick every time you say his name. I already know you don't like him."

Castle made a face.

"And no, he isn't. He's visiting his family. I'm-"

"Working, yeah, no, you're not. I spoke to Montgomery, you're free."

"Castle-"

"Look, we won't do Christmas, okay. I'll just take you out for a drink and give you a ride home afterwards, where I will leave you safely alone but in a much better mood than if you'd been sat here all night doing paperwork in the dark."

Kate knew there was nothing she could do. "Fine. But just one drink."

"Okay," he conceded, a little too quickly.

She narrowed her eyes. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing." His face was the picture of innocence. Kate didn't trust him in the slightest.

"What about your family?"

"Alexis is at her mother's. And my mother is already out on the town."

"I-"

"Didn't you have fun last year?"

"Yes. But-"

"Then no buts. As your friend, I propose we make this a yearly arrangement. I don't know why you have such a problem with what is in my opinion the most wonderful holiday of the year, but I also know that whatever you may say, you don't really want to be alone on it."

Kate bit her lip. He was so sweet, he was always so sweet. He was the best friend she'd ever had but she just wasn't ready… She just wasn't ready to trust him.

* * *

"Josh? You made plans with Josh?"

"Come off it Castle, I know you have plans with Alexis and Martha anyway."

"You could have come to dinner too."

"While that's a lovely offer, I really couldn't intrude on your family. And it turns out Josh isn't much of a Christmas fan either, so we're just going to get a few drinks somewhere and then go home and act like it's any other night."

Castle refrained from teasing her about what she did with Josh on any other night, mostly because he didn't want to think about it.

Kate watched the stream of emotions flicker across his face and wondered what he was thinking. In a moment he would come out with yet another reason why she should join in with his holiday plans, regardless of her insistence that she didn't want to celebrate. That was why she liked Josh - he didn't push her. The only problem was… he didn't push her.

Shutting people out was something she was so used to doing, something she'd done all her life. It kept her safe, it kept her from being hurt. So why was it that the person she found herself most drawn to was the one person who refused to let her slam the door?

The bull pen seemed even darker than usual; the forms to fill in seemed even more dull and monotonous. Kate could hear the hum of the coffee machine - she'd left it on for company. And there was a clock ticking somewhere. She found herself checking her phone every five minutes for the message she'd come to expect, but… nothing. She'd heard nothing for days, nothing since he'd cancelled their movie night. She didn't understand, she'd told him she wasn't ready, she'd told him she just couldn't be with someone like that, but…

"He's not going to wait forever, honey."

Lanie's compassionate tone scared Kate even more.

"So what should I do? Should I tell him how I feel?"

"You said you'd tell him when you were ready. Are you ready?"

"I don't know… I just know that the thought of him moving on, the thought of him giving up on me… I can't do it, Lanie, I can't lose him!"

"So don't."

"But what if-"

"Kate. You have to stop shutting him out. I know it's hard, you do it to everyone, hell, you do it to me but I like you so I let you get away with it… But it's not the same with him. He loves you. He needs you, all of you, and you're right to want to give him that but now long did you expect him to wait? He's been right there for four years, waiting for you, helping you, pushing you…"

"I can't tell him tonight. It's Christmas, he's with his family. I think his girlfriend's even eating with them… Maybe that's for the best. She's better for him than I am."

"Bullshit. She's a stewardess. He's been in love with you for years."

"So he's punishing me now?"

"Wouldn't you punish you?"

Kate didn't answer. She didn't know, honestly. She liked to think that she wouldn't, that she was better than that… But perhaps she only wanted to think that because she didn't want to think about how badly she'd treated him…

* * *

"Arizona, wait!"

Arizona turned. She was already almost at the door, but the relief on her face at being called back was obvious.

"I'm sorry," Kate said softly. "I just… I'm more than that, okay."

"Are you?" Arizona asked gently.

Kate didn't understand.

"I mean, are you really more than her death? You're training to be a cop because of her. You won't celebrate Christmas because of her. You never stop thinking about her, when you smile it doesn't reach your eyes… You're an amazing person, Kate, but you have to stop hiding behind her. She's gone. She's been gone for three years. It's horrible, but… One day someone's going to come along who means a lot more to you than I ever did. And if you're not careful, you'll be too far gone to do things any differently."

She crossed the room and kissed Kate softly on the cheek.

"Merry Christmas."

Kate couldn't even find the voice to reply.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, and as always, please review!


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